How I’ve been running away from problems and how far that will take you.

Who said you can’t be a high achiever and have problems. You will look for new ventures, new people in your life, new relationships and new destinations. When you are running you will feel powerful, empowered and in control that you have set yourself free with achievements. It gives you a sense of progress, you will feel like you are moving away from your problems. Liberated. There is only so far you can move before you have completely lost yourself. Either your problems will catch up with you, or you lose yourself in the process.

You will seek comfort country to country, jump from person to person, venture to venture. You will fear investing yourself fully in a destination or love.

If you’ve read my Singapore identity crisis post, I have self-reflected since then and I realised that I will keep looking for comfort in destinations, places and people. That is what I do, I keep moving, I keep running. I can go place to place seek comfort but I will never find this comfort unless I start looking within myself and create that comfort within me.

How I’ve been running

I have been running from something from the time I could. Blogging was a form of expression without even sharing my problem with you, therapeutic, even right this moment. A type of release from the hurt I couldn’t cope with. Nevertheless, it never helped me heal, I just patched up an open wound. A wound that never closed up but I built on it.

I worked so hard to keep myself going, to keep myself distracted, to keep myself closer to my dream than to the reality of it all. It worked because my hustle, work ethic and everything I have achieved as a result of that decision to this day is well – let’s just say it worked out. As long as I keep working hard, things will work out for me.

But in the process I have done myself dirty.

I thought as I get older, as I slowly let more people into my life that it would hurt less but I am back now to everything I was ‘maturing to be away from’. I got my degree, I got the achievements and now I know how to achieve my dreams. Achievements are hardly a distraction now. It’s becoming easier to achieve things and harder to ignore what I have failed to deal with. Now it became harder to ignore, I started fearing for my future. Will I find love? Will I have a family of my own? Will I see my dreams come true?

Self doubt. Self doubt. Self doubt.

‘So seeing the past in the present, you fear for your future.’

A good friend of mine

I am already thinking about the next country I want to move to. I will achieve it, that I am sure of. But again I am running. How long before that country too runs out of comfort it can provide? I will meet new people, make memories and enjoy myself.

How running can affect your dating life

Your past will definitely have a play in the partners you choose. Now I have put up a wall so high that it is almost an impossible hurdle to see the other side of it. Very rarely, do I lower my wall. It is easier to not get hurt, when you can’t let them hurt you right? Well the price you pay is, you will keep meeting the right person but until you take your wall down, it will not lead to anything.

I met someone I could relate with. Again, very rare. We related because hurt saw hurt, pain heard pain. I thought I found someone who would understand and therefore accept and treat me right. Eventually, I had to learn to let go of this person for other reasons. As he was disappearing, that safe place I thought I found was leaving too. Again, I was looking to find comfort within another person. Now I am left with the thing I’ve spent a lifetime hiding and running away from, and it never healed like it was meant to.

It will catch up with you believe me and influence your behaviour.

I don’t like to show my vulnerabilities, I like to put on a strong facade. I hate coming across as weak but one thing I have accepted now is, being vulnerable does not make you weak. In fact, it makes you so strong to be able to acknowledge the problem and talking about it. I think I’ve been successful in making you all believe that I am independent, strong willed, head strong. Truth is, none of that is fake, I am those things.

However, I too am vulnerable, sensitive and I struggle to let people into my life. I am a very extroverted introvert. I am loud enough to distract you, I have enough energy for no one to notice. Even if you’re a close friend, I’ve got you believing that I share everything with you with the noise I make, but there is more. More that I will only let out bit by bit to you hopefully. I am trying.

I wrote this post because as always if you can relate with anything I have said, I think it is time you self reflect too. The mistake we make is to seek understanding of others behaviour in any relationship. Truth is you can’t change them, but a lot of the times its more to do with you than them. Every single person no matter how successful or not, has plenty to work with for themselves.

I will keep reminding myself that I am strong minded, self aware and I will not fool myself. This too I shall grow through and I will keep you updated on my progress.

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